Live to Win...Learn to Lose

Got beaten down...
I loose.....
Feel so useless and so want to DIE....

The feeling of losing
Is so frustrated and it gives you the vibe to kill people whoever you meet....
Is so so hard to accept the facts
Learn to lose...??
But how??

The feeling is so extremely dangerous around me...
I can kill anyone,anytime....
I can crush people's bones like a twig.....

How to learn to loose??
I expect this would happen in my life..
Just is so damn ASS hard to accept the fact that we lose....
The word lose is so cruel and dangerous around people like me.....

O god...
tell me why....

What will you do when you're "horny"??

The term horny...
is a stranger to me....

Is it wrong to feel that??
Feel saint when that feeling come....
Maybe because i'm 20 this year and still a virgin....
Desprate to have some sex....
I'm sacred....

Feel so guilty....Oh god....
Have ever you guys feel that way??
Feeling horny??
What will you do to make that feeling go away??

I'm so brave to post this on blog....hahah
Praise for bravery....

Hypocrites

The word hypocrite...
disgusting....

I'm trying so hard to be a better person,a good friend...
but until the end,the people i treated nice was just another fucking Hypocrites...
Being friends with me for a purpose...
Damn those people....

Don't those people feel guilty...
using people....
stabbing people's backs...
How can those people live??

Hope those people feel guilt to their guts...
Never trust them again....
I mean NEVER....

My Idol's experience and thoughts in Dance.

杨丽萍：别人跳舞，我跳命。

杨 丽萍的舞蹈总是力图还原自然，还原民族本身，在她的概念中，民族舞是天然去雕饰的。杨丽萍有句名言：别人跳的是舞，我跳的是命。她说，跳舞从来不是她争取 鲜花或掌声的手段，她从没想过要用舞蹈换取什么，对她来说，舞台甚至不是个表演场所，而是进行个人仪式的圣地。凭着骨子里对舞蹈的灵性与热情，她将《雀之 灵》跳到大江南北，成为公众眼中的孔雀公主。之后已颇具声望的她又不惜变卖所有家产，编排舞剧《云南映象》，获得空前成功。这次为舞剧《藏谜》编舞表演， 她亦分文未收。杨丽萍说，舞蹈是我的生活，这是很自然的事情。
“非专业”的民族舞第一人
杨丽萍出生在一个不富裕的白族农村家庭，在兄妹四人中她排行老大，她的母亲希望她能当兵或者成为一名医生，为家里减轻一些生活负担，因而她从未在专业院校 受过专业舞蹈训练。1971年，一个偶然的机会，正在上初中的杨丽萍被选入西双版纳州民族歌舞团，成为团里年龄最小的演员，从此她有了登上舞台的机会。 1980年杨丽萍调入中央民族歌舞团之后，在舞蹈的创作方面他始终保持着另类的个性。1986年，她创作了独舞《雀之灵》，并获得第二届全国舞蹈比赛一等 奖，杨丽萍也因此一夜成名。但是在她赢得掌声的同时，也受到单位的处罚，因为她从不参加单位例行的芭蕾舞基本功训练，在当时，那几乎是不可想象的行为。 [/对此，杨丽萍不以为然，她说：“谁是民族舞蹈家？不是关在练功房里，穿着紧身衣，按照芭蕾基础训练反复踢腿的‘专业人士’，而是那些汲水能歌、取火能 跳，对着山林田野都在起舞的人。”她的民族舞永远源于自然，源于山野，源于她的故乡。在她的故乡云南大理，人们的信仰是“本主教”。崇拜的对象可以是前 辈、孔雀、公鸡、太阳、月亮、风……“任何对象有时甚至是敌人，比如忽必烈，他来大理灭了白族，可是我们觉得他厉害，一样崇拜他。我们是很宽容的。每个村 子，每个人崇拜的东西可能都不一样，非常自由。‘本主’，就是以自己为‘本’。”这也许可以解释为何她的《雀之灵》、《两棵树》、《雨丝》、《梅花》、 《火》可以带来惟妙惟肖的生命体悟，白族人崇拜自然的天性使杨丽萍模仿自然的舞蹈充满了灵性。大理白族村寨的孩子们高兴时便欢歌起舞，有时庆祝婚嫁，有时 庆祝丰收，那是蕴育杨丽萍的地方，虽然她只在那里呆了短短十多年，但却注定了她一生舞蹈的基调。她说：“那里有下关的风，上关的花，苍山雪，洱海月。”
杨丽萍的舞蹈总是力图还原自然，还原民族本身，在她的概念中，民族舞是天然去雕饰的。在种种误读与现代商业的侵袭下，她感到民族的传统与文化正在慢慢流失，这种对流失的惋惜是产生《云南映象》的重要原因。
《云南映象》：挽救流失的传统
1998年，杨丽萍自编自演的电影《太阳鸟》获蒙特利尔国际电影节评委会大奖之后，她开始到云南采风收集素材。她发现有些古老的山歌随着老年艺人的去世就 将失传，有些精彩的土风舞蹈深藏在山村里，外界很少有人了解。甚至是苗绣，村寨里穿的人也越来越少，他们宁愿去穿牛仔裤和皮鞋。年轻人有好绣工的也越来越 少。“这让我觉得很恐惧。舞蹈，是很多民族远古时期流传下来的。先民们淬火而歌，汲水而舞，婚丧嫁娶都离不开歌舞。曾经是生活中非常重要的一部分的舞蹈， 现在都在濒临消亡。我为什么要搞原生态，就是要把民族的东西从最深远的地方挖掘出来，在舞台上还原；把那些在民间的、即将消逝的舞蹈整理出来，用舞台形式 留下来，保护起来。老实说，我真的害怕来不及了，有很多东西已经没了。”为了挽救即将消失的民间歌舞和弘扬民族文化，杨丽萍边在云南各地山寨收集整理民间 歌舞，边编舞《云南映象》。这是她首次不是作为一个舞蹈的创造者而是作为一个民间舞蹈的记录者与编排者所致力做的事。在《云南映象》里她原汁原味地还原了 民族舞蹈。民间打歌的场景曾给杨丽萍留下很深的印象，“他们汗流浃背，每个个体本身就具有着舞蹈的感觉，跳完曲散人尽之后，你看到地上很多鞋，都是跳舞时 掉下来的，你就会觉得一种感叹一种感动。因为原生态的歌舞，它不仅仅是一些土风的舞蹈，它有很多精神的因素在里面。”
经一年多的采风与一年间的排练后，《云南映象》却陷入了经费困境，参与合作的云南旅游歌舞团看不到商业前景，也在2002年底撤了资。为了筹钱，杨丽萍拿出自己的所有积蓄并变卖掉了在大理的房子，甚至为此拍广告、走穴，丈夫刘淳晴也将所有可调动的资金给了杨丽萍。
最终，《云南映象》轰动全国，由于70％的演员来自当地田间，由于对民族文化原汁原味的演绎，《云南映象》成了原生态舞剧的典范。随之而来的，舞剧言必称 “原生态”成了一种流行。杨丽萍认为，原生态是一种回归。正如人走得太远时，需要回来寻找源头。搞“原生态”不是刻意的包装，不是秀给谁看，而是要展现人 对自然、生活的态度，张扬的是一种文化，使人们明白“原来生命是这样的”。
民间舞蹈召集人
杨丽萍曾说，她希望自己能成为民间舞蹈的召集人，她也的确用自己的行动做到了这一点。2006年初，藏族歌手容中尔甲找到杨丽萍编排藏族舞乐，她欣然答 应，她在容中尔甲身上看到了自己当年的影子，“容中尔甲和我当年一样，自己出钱做《藏谜》。而且全身心地，虔诚地，无所欲望地投入，像朝圣的老阿妈一样， 一步一叩首。”其实早在做《云南映象》时，杨丽萍就已进入藏区采风，与藏文化有了很深刻的接触，“《藏谜》是我多年来对藏族舞蹈文化积累的一次大爆发，我 等了很久，终于等到了。”
“《藏谜》展现了这样一个伟大而独特的民族：他们血液里流淌着马蹄的声音，眼睛里盛满了青稞酒；他们会说话就会唱歌，会走路就会跳舞，他们用最纯粹的生活 和最虔诚的态度感受幸福，对每个参与者，包括观众都是心灵洗礼与启迪。″在40年的舞蹈历程中，杨丽萍因为舞蹈收获了许多快乐，她常说自己的灵性是天生 的，看到花，看到树，看到摇曳的枝干如何用肢体表现，这是人与生俱来的东西。杨丽萍称自己是“辟嫫”，在云南当地即是“巫”的意思。“巫”生下来就是为了 在天地之间用歌舞的形式传递消息，杨丽萍也用自己的舞蹈为民族传统与现代文化间传递着消息。她为此一直保持着“ 辟嫫”般极其消瘦的体形，并由于拒绝增加体内脂肪含量而放弃了怀孕的机会。在央视春晚的一期未播出的剪辑片里，编导们把镜头对准了化妆间临上场的杨丽萍， 却发现“她是那样瘦小，那样憔悴”。为跳舞，她放弃了许多，然而她却说：“没有，我没有失去。相反，还要深深地感激。跳孔雀舞的人是最有福气的，况且还是 公认跳得最好的，那这个人就太有福气了。对于我来讲，跳舞是一种福气。

Dying

To die...
everybody dies...
Who??When??Where??How??

But before we die...
We will hope for something or wish for something before we die...
Wish to have bigger funeral...
Wish to have a bigger coffin....

What about me??
I just thought about it during my way home and during bathing...
What I wish is that nobody knows about my death...
Except for my family....
Besides them,I wish nobody knows when i die,where i die or how i die...
Just die peacefully...

Why I think that way??
To me there's no need to let the whole world know our death...
Sometimes I feel,do people really care??
Other than family,I don't think other care...

问号？？？？

自私？？
选择？？
该不该？？

缘分？？
有吗？？
没有吗？？

爱着他？？
恨着他？？
需要吗？？

放弃？？
不放弃？？
要不要？？

天长地久？？
曾经拥有？？
实现吗？？

选择。。
我的手上？？
还是他的手上。。

复杂

我的生活一天比一天复杂。。
我的爱情一天比一天难熬。。
我的选择一天比一天减少。。

都是我的错吗？？
都是我在搞的怪吗？？
都是我太自私吗？？？

没人支持。。
没人安慰。。
没人鼓励。。

每天在等待着。。
每天在烦恼着。。
每天在想念着。。

到头来，没人理睬。。
到头来，没人来打通电话。。
到头来，都是自己的任性与自我。。

天长地久？？曾经拥有？？

天长地久？？
曾经拥有？？

我曾经相信过只要你真心诚意地对待一个人。。
天长地久将会是我们俩的未来。。
但每次的回应都是一片失望。。

而现在的我对天长地久这四个字。。
已经没感觉了。。
只相信曾经拥有。。

Weight issue

OMG...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I gain weight in a week...
Want to kill myself...

Chinese New Year...
Food like chicken,pork,vegetables etc made my body grew like a balloon...
Got to turn it down now...
Can't just let it grow and blow....

Must take care....
No matter what....

Gain new memories and remember the old ones

28 Jan 2009..
A night photo shoot with my friend,Munirih Jebeni...

She dressed up as a lolita gothic...
I help her with the dressing and photography...

Strike poses and laughter all the night...
Had fun that night....
Made me think back of the days me and my BFF,jigoku neko....
We dress up each other and take pictures,those were the days...

Miss you Dirty Cat.....

Insulting....You disgust me...

If somebody insutls you by something,how would you feel??

Angry??Sad??Disappointed??

Change another thought...

If somebody insults you in front of everybody else,how would you feel??

Feeling 10 times the angryness??Sadness and disappointed??

What I learn in my life,is to not insult people....

Don't get me wrong,insulting people is such a childish way...

Plus you have to insult somebody in front of everybody...

Why I start this topic??

Because my choreographer was insulted by somebody....

Saying my choreographer's step was copied from 1 of his piece (little in fact)...

So what he copied??

That doesn't mean that you have to insult him....

I respect both of my choreographers...

But the only thing I can't of him is his damn ass attitude....

I know you are great and all..

That doesn't give you the damn ass right to say shit to people's choreography...

1 day I will burst my bubble and just telling him...

"Hey,change your damn attitude..."

That 1 day will not come eventually...

I'm just to chicken to say so....

It's just not fair for him to say shit things about people....

Especially not in front of the public...

Sorry....

I'm sorry for not choosing your path...

I went the other way...

I chose not to walk on your path because it was too prefect....

You are too nice...too gentle to me...

So i can't afford to have you as my walking path road...

You are too caring...too sweet to me...

So i can't afford to make you sad or angry...

I don't wish to hurt you...

So i chose to leave then accept...

Sorry....

Is it worth it??

Is it worth it?

I always ask myself the same old question...

All the work,all the sweat I gave,all the pain I suffer...

In the end,is it worth it??

I love dancing....

I love it so much i can sacrifise anything for it,even love....

I can die for it...

But to think it twice....

What you love matters or your future more important??

Dancing or my future??

Dancing is my future but will my future be dancing??

I got scolde by instructors,seniors......

I got hurt,i fell,i cry....

For what??

For the love for dance....

If it wasn't for dancing,I would be at home working for my parents and earn money easy...

Is it worth it??

Still asking myself every morning I wake up from bed....

Is a nightmare for me but a dream for my future...

When the going gets tough,the tough gets going

When the going gets tough,the tough gets going...
just in words,nobody really understands or even feel these words...
i did...and is really true for my situation now...

A senior of mine named Liew Yong Xian came back from Korea last saturday...
He study dance choreography at Korea by schlorship...
He's a penang boy and he started his dancing dream at the age of 16...
He was awarded best male contemporary dancer in Malaysia...
He's a good example to all dancers who didn't start dancing by young...
His story tells us if you give all you got and all your effort of what you want,your dream will never be far from you...
His moral story teaches me not to be afraid to learn and to try or to be laugh at....
Come in strong and never to be afraid to fall...

Today (7 Jan 2009)....
He gave us a warm up session...
And it's pillates....more to extension of muscles and breathing...
He also thought us the process of auditions overseas....
How to introduce yourself,the things to do and more...
Learn many things I never know before...thanks to him,I know now...
We did his choreography too...
And it's different and much more harder from what we learn...
It's more to dangerous stunts and dynamics...
I got hurt because I wasn't careful....

Learn many new things today...
Thanks to him...
This makes me want to give all my hardest and effort to learn things we never learn in ASK...

The things i'm going through right now will never be as simple as before...
Is going to be tougher and tougher and injuries will come..
Challenges,stunts,choreographies....more to come...